


To Be In The Land Of The Living

by Annerp



Series: The Land of the Living [1]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Bonding over trauma, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Character Death, Depression, Dissociation, Implied Sexual Content, Loki (Marvel) Does What He Wants, Loki (Marvel) Feels, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Shared Trauma, Slow Burn, Steve Rogers Feels, Suicidal Thoughts, Temporary Blindness, Temporary Character Death, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro, Touch Aversion, Unconventional Relationship, Violence, frostshield - Freeform, stoki - Freeform, talk of suicide and death, temporary paralysis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-10-02 12:53:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 21,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17264603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annerp/pseuds/Annerp
Summary: Half of humanity died in the snap. Some died before. Two of them came back.





	1. Breathing, but not living

**Author's Note:**

> I read a theory that when Thanos punched Steve in the head, he actually died and that set me on this path.
> 
> This picks up immediately after the snap.

 

Breathing, but not living

 

When it's over, Steve collapses down on the ground, "oh god." 

He cant. He...he just can't. He failed.... and they...."oh god......" 

And he wishes he had just stayed dead. He doesn't say it. In fact, he says very little as his eyes drift across the battlefield. He can't comprehend the enormity of what has happened. His mind tries to drift and he let's it happen. 

He doesn't know how long Natasha has been trying to get his attention. He only knows that when he feels the light touch of her hand on his arm, he scrambles back, feeling like his skin is trying to crawl off his body. She reaches out for him again, but pulls back when he cringes away until he is huddled against the base of a tree. 

"Steve?" She frowns when he doesn't respond. They can't stay here. They need to move, find out who survived. Figure out what they're going to do.

 

Steve sits on the ground, back to the wall that separates the compound from the outside world. He isn't sure how he got out here again or how long he's been here this time. He's been in a haze since Natasha bundled him and Thor aboard their jet and brought them home. 

He scrubs his hand across his face, feeling the scratchy texture of his beard. Briefly, he thinks about shaving again, but let's the notion drift off of its own accord. He can barely manage to shower and dress daily as it is and only then due to Natasha’s constant reminders. Adding anything else would be too much. 

He is aware that he has lost weight, but only because of the way his clothes hang on his frame. He isn't eating enough, or at least that's what Natasha tells him every time she shoves a plate of food in his face. 

When he is able to focus, the calendar on the wall tells him it's been 7 months since he lost everything. 7 months avoiding thinking about the fact that not only did he not save Bucky, again, he also failed to save so many of his friends. Sam and Wanda and T'Challa and so many more. Millions more. 

Somewhere, distantly, he knows he's not the only one who lost friends, family that day. He knows why Clint's stare is so vacant. He knows Thor grieves for his entire world, his friends and his brother. 

Getting Tony back had been a bright spot in an otherwise dark existence, even if Steve had not been allowed to go on the mission. But even having at least one person back was tarnished by the intense resentment of watching him reunite with Pepper. It is the most Steve has felt in months, but it doesn’t last, fading away into the haze that has over taken what is left of his life and that’s just fine with Steve. 

In 7 months the world has slowly started to limp forward, broken and grieving, and not without incredibly deep scars, but it does move forward. Everything and everyone starts to move forward, except Steve Rogers. His grief is constant and unchanging. As is his pain. Solid and unmovable, like the wall at his back. The only consolation being that Steve is too numb to feel it.

Steve can't remember if he showered today or if he even went back to his room last night. He supposes it is possible that he has been sitting here since yesterday. He can't be sure. And it's not worth the effort to really try to figure it out. 

There is a sound to his left. Nothing that he has heard before out here, sitting at his wall. He doesn't quite care enough to lift his head. Until the sound turns into a crackle and his mind flashes on the image of Thanos making his entrance on earth. Scrabbling back, along the wall, Steve watches in growing terror as a tear in reality opens in front of him. 

Except this time there is no billowing cloud of purple heralding the arrival of death. Instead, this time, the tear is edged in green and beyond, Steve can see the darkened interior of a ship. He watches, frozen in place as a gaunt figure stumbles through and crashes to the ground. The tear slams shut with a final crackle and tinge of ozone. 

For several long minutes, Steve just sits, leaning against his wall. He sits and watches the shallow breathing of the man before him. Part of Steve’s brain registers the labored wheeze of the man’s breath as not right, but not much else. He doesn’t think to question where this man came from or why he fell out of a tear in reality at Steve’s feet.

Hours pass, or minutes, Steve isn’t sure, while his thoughts drift as they usually do. For a moment they flit back to the compound and the faces he crosses paths with. The faces of the only people left in his life, all that is left of his family. They are all each other has. 

A particularly loud wheeze draws his attention back to the man on the ground and finally makes Steve crawl forward to get a closer look. He isn't sure what he expected. There isn’t much to see. Lanky black hair covering a face that appears ashen through the strands. Leather, ripped and darkened in places with stains. He wonders vaguely if this man has family. 

Family….Steve’s mind starts to call up images of a lifelong friend, with dark lanky hair, wearing ripped and stained leather, but he shies away from that and tries to focus on the man in front of him now. He kneels beside the man long enough for his knees to start to ache and then something clicks in to place.

He doesn't know what to do. Ideas drift through his head like wisps of smoke, blowing away as soon as he tries to latch on to any of them. In the end he sits on his haunches and then he stands up, walking in a slow circle. It's not until he stuffs his hands in his pockets and his fingers curl around the plastic device inside, that an idea finally solidifies in his brain. 

Pulling the device out, he pushes the single button on its front, activating his locator beacon. The one and only thing Natasha had been absolutely adamant about keeping with him. He backs up to the wall again and slides down to his usual spot and goes back to what he was doing before Loki Odinson fell out of a tear in reality at his feet. Which was absolutely nothing.

 

 


	2. Falling Forward to the Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place over the 7+ months from when Loki died, until he fell through the portal at Steve's feet.

 

Chapter 2

  
Falling Forward to the Beginning

 

Loki’s POV

“You… will never…. Be… a god.”

Loki knows it was foolish to use the last of his air to say it, he just knows he had to. He had to let Thanos know that he will never be able to break him. Faintly, he can hear Thor making sounds, but he can’t make sense of them. 

The tighter the grip on his neck grows, the more Loki realizes that it really isn’t important. Nothing is really important outside of the pain. But he can endure. He has before. He is a god!

If he had the ability, he would have vomited at the sickening sound of his neck cracking, but the few seconds he has left among the living are spent in confusion and then relief. He is already gone by the time his body hits the ground.

 

It doesn’t last. At first, there is nothing. Just his thoughts, dark and scattered as they are. There are creatures, terrifying and cruel, lurking in his mind. Why can’t he stay dead? How many times will he keep coming back? He pleads for the darkness to take him, please just take him again. For a while it does. But it doesn’t last. It never does.

 

His diaphragm convulses, or it should have. He can’t be sure. He isn’t even sure if he has a diaphragm, or a body at all. All there is, is the sickening stench of death. Surrounding him, smothering him. For a brief moment, he knows what the smell is from, but then he doesn’t. He tries to tell himself it’s probably better that way.

 

The darkness isn’t quite so dark. Loki isn’t sure how long it has been that way. His vision is cloaked in shadows and glimpses of monsters with missing eyes, gaping wounds and rotting flesh. He wishes for the darkness to return. It was easier than this nightmare. 

It’s the smell that finally does it. It takes a while, but eventually his mind makes a connection and he realizes that the monsters are something else all together. And it is so much worse. He tries not to look too closely. He doesn’t want to see the faces of the people he destroyed Asgard to save, only to have them killed hours later before his eyes. But he cannot close his eyes, cannot move anything and so he is forced to stare at the dead all around him and think about how unfair it is that death has rejected him yet again.

The first time he is able to feel anything, he almost cries tears of relief, but his body cannot even do that it seems. And what he feels is really not much of a relief. There is pain, searing and overwhelming in his neck and throat. And for the first few seconds he wonders if Thanos has come back to choke the life out of him again. He strains until he is able to angle his chin up and he isn’t sure if it is to relieve the pressure on his neck or to give Thanos better access to kill him.

He is disappointed when neither thing happens, but he endures. He always does. He drifts and in his dreams he is reunited with Thor again. And when Thor reaches up to cup the back of his head with his large hands, making contact with the back of his neck, he screams. He screams himself hoarse, jerking out of Thor’s grasp. When he wakes, he is still screaming.

 

Loki lays on the floor, and tries to ignore the stabbing pains in his arms and legs as they regain feeling. He feels twitchy and desperately wants to move to find some relief, but he can’t. And so he lays on the floor, dreaming up conversations with the dead.

“Always so ready to die. This is the last time I can help you like this my son. When the time comes, I will call you home, but not yet.”

Loki squeezes his eyes shut and lets the warmth of his mothers voice wash over him. And he sleeps. Blessedly, dreamless.

 

“Do you remember when you were first learning how to wield your Seidr?” 

Loki doesn’t answer, he knows he isn’t expected to. 

“We worked for hours until you were able to open a portal anywhere in the universe.” Frigga laughs, soft and melodious. “After that it was almost impossible to keep track of you.”

 

He sleeps and he dreams. “You need to open a portal Loki. Do you think you can, if I help you?”

 

He sleeps and he dreams. In his dream he climbs to his feet and on unsteady legs he stumbles towards his mother. Her smile is bright, warm, reassuring and the last thing he see’s as he falls through a portal to land hard in the dirt. The sight of dark blonde hair, bearded face and blue eyes is there to greet him. Not the familiar face of his brother, but not completely unfamiliar either. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki may or may not have been halucinating Frigga.


	3. Stumble and Start

 

Chapter 3

 

Stumble and Start

 

The beeping coming from Natasha’s phone confuses her for a moment, until she pulls it out of her pocket. The tone is unfamiliar, one she hasn’t heard before. Activating the touch screen brings up a map with a pulsing marker just outside the main block wall surrounding the compound.

It’s Steve’s locator beacon, a device that hasn’t been activated before. In fact, even though she had insisted on it, she didn’t think Steve actually carried it. It has been so hard trying to get any type of reaction out of him. Unless someone touches him. 

It took a couple of very bad incidents before she realized that Steve had a terrible aversion to touch, bordering on fear. Of course, everything is complicated by the fact that Steve has been unwilling or unable to speak since they left Wakanda. 

She is extremely worried about him, but her attention is divided in so many directions that it is almost impossible to make sure he is okay. She tried setting him up with a therapist, but they are in such high demand after the snap that the appointment she set for him is still 2 months away. 

She considered pulling rank and trying to get an appointment for Captain America instead of Steve Rogers, but decided that would not be in Steve’s best interest. Especially since what was left of the Avengers were kept busy assisting the decimated ranks of military, police and emergency services personnel. 

It was easier to just show up with Clint, Thor, Bruce and Tony, when she was able to pull them away from the lab, and do what needed to be done. Taking Steve along was out of the question, between not being able to touch him or communicate properly. The last thing she needs is a super soldier having a panic attack in the middle of a rescue mission.

And sadly, Steve is not her only problem. Clint functions, he goes on missions, he does what is needed of him, but not much more. If anything, he has become more efficient, which means he spends less time looking for a way to disarm and goes right to kill. And his once easy going personality has become brooding and solemn. Which she completely understands.

Bruce and Tony spend almost all their time holed up in the lab working on some project together. She has food delivered to them at meal times and Pepper checks in with them at least once a day, while she is not busy funneling aid to various places through Stark Industries holdings throughout the world. 

Thor is doing surprisingly well. He was quiet the first couple of weeks, but since then has been a great help to Natasha. He quickly volunteered to help with Steve, but she had to intervene after a few days when the blonde god touched Steve on his shoulder, sending him into a full on episode.

It was frightening and disheartening to see Steve brought so low, knowing under different circumstances he would be leading them, holding them together with his strength and resilience. 

As for herself, Natasha knows there will be a reckoning at some point. She cannot keep ignoring and pushing down her own grief. Part of her wonders if that has contributed to Steve’s current state. He never seemed to let things get to him. He was their leader and was always the one they could count on, never letting anyone see him as anything but in control. She wonders if maybe he just reached his breaking point and worries about where her own might be.

 

Natasha is the first to arrive to Steve, after calling Tony and giving him Steve’s location and telling him she will update him once she assesses the situation. She quickly looks Steve over and then drops to her knees next to the body on the ground once she confirms that Steve is… no worse off than he was when she watched him wander out the door of the compound just after dawn. 

She places her hands on one of the man’s arms and gently rolls him to his back. Out of the corner of her eye, she see’s Steve lean forward enough to be able to watch what she is doing. With his hair out of his face, she recognizes Loki. His is a face that she will never forget after their encounter aboard the helicarrier all those years ago. 

Putting that aside, she pushes his sleeve up enough to expose his wrist and check his pulse. A quick look reveals no obvious signs of trauma, but it's hard to tell with all that leather. At least she doesn’t see any bleeding. She pulls her phone out of her pocket and calls Tony. 

"You find him?" he asks as soon as he answers. 

"Yeah, but i need some help here." 

"Is he……..?" 

"Steve is….," she pauses and looks at him again. "Its not him. Just get here. And bring Thor," she adds before disconnecting the call.

Natasha moves closer to Steve until she can sit against the wall next to him. 

“Steve, can you tell me what happened?”

He doesn’t respond, doesn’t react. Doesn’t even look at her. 

“Steve? I need you to tell me how he got here.”

Nothing.

“Steve. Thor is on his way. I need to be able to tell him how Loki got here.”

Finally he turns to her, but that’s it. If he had been about to tell her something she will never know, as Tony and Thor came over the wall at that moment. 

Tony ends up having to restrain Thor so he doesn't hurt his brother in his rush to pick him up. When he is finally calm, Natasha has him pick Loki up and carry him back to the building and directly to the medical wing. 

To her surprise, Steve gets up and follows behind Thor, watching as Loki's hand dangles, jostling with each step Thor takes.

 

 

 


	4. Drawing lines of communication

 

  
Chapter 4

Drawing lines of communication

 

“Thor! You need to wait outside.”

He glares at Natasha and then at the Doctor who must have called her in to get rid of him. 

“We need to let them work. Being in the way isn’t helping anything.”

His eyes shift between Natasha, the Doctor and the door, but he doesn’t move.

“Please, just let us do our job. You can wait right outside,” the Doctor points to the large window looking out on the hallway. “We need to run some tests and then you can come back in.”

Some of the anger drops away from Thor’s features and he looks at the door again.

“We’ll take good care of him, I promise,” the Doctor reassures. 

Reluctantly, Thor nods and heads to the door. Natasha waits until he is out of earshot before asking, “what do you think?”

“Right off, he is dehydrated and malnourished. If what Thor is saying is true, then we are looking at possible paralysis. I’ll know more once we get the scans completed.”

Natasha can hear the subtle request for her to leave and so she thanks the Doctor and heads out the door after Thor. 

He isn’t hard to spot, sitting in one of the chairs located just outside Loki’s room. “Why don’t we go get some coffee while we wait,” she offers.

“I would rather stay here. I failed to protect Loki before, I won’t make the same mistake again.”

Knowing there is no point in arguing, she nods and walks away. Rounding a corner in the hallway, she almost runs directly in to Steve. Her first reaction to is reach a steadying hand out, but pulls it back quickly when she realizes what she’s doing. 

She isn’t sure if she should be relieved or more worried that he doesn’t react other than to step to the side and go around her. Briefly she considered going after him, but that’s when her phone rings. Looking at the screen, she knows its a call she has to take and so she keeps going down the hall towards her office.

 

Steve walks right up to the window to Loki’s room and stops, completely ignoring Thor. But the god is not having that. 

“Captain, tell me how my brother came to be here.”

Steve keeps staring into the room, watching the medical team work.

“Steven! Did he say anything to you?”

Again, there is no answer and Steve’s gaze never wavers. Thor moves to stand by his team mate and has to resist the urge to shake the man until he speaks, but he has already learned that touching Steve will cause more harm than good. 

“Please,” Thor pleads, voice unsteady with his grief, “you must understand. I watched him die.” Thor turns to look at Steve’s profile before continuing. “If you had the chance to get your brother back, wouldn’t you want to know how?”

Thor knows talking about Bucky is a bad idea, but he is desperate to get through to Steve. To make him understand how important this is to him. It doesn’t work and he watches as Steve turns his back to the window and slides down to the floor where he sits against the wall. 

Knowing he isn’t going to get anything out of Steve, he turns and walks away. Being near him right now is not something Thor can deal with and so he goes in search of that cup of coffee Natasha mentioned, leaving his brother in the Doctors care.

He waits an hour to go back, hoping that the Doctor will have some answers for him. And also hoping that Steve will be gone. He isn’t and Thor walks right past him into Loki’s room.

“We have been able to confirm that there is indeed a break in the C2 vertebrae.”

Thor doesn’t know what the C2 vertebrae is, but he motions for the Doctor to continue, assuming he means Loki’s neck. 

“We won’t know until he wakes up, but he may have partial or full paralysis. There are also other signs consistent with manual strangulation. Including a fracture to his Hyoid bone.”

Thor steps close to Loki’s bed as though he can see the damage to his neck from the outside. “Will he recover?”

“We don’t know. For now, all we can do is immobilize him in case he wakes up. We’ve set him up on fluids to help hydrate him and give him some nutrients.”

“Thank you.” Thor takes Loki’s hand and holds it in his own, closing his eyes to stop any tears from falling. He can hear as the Doctor turns away to leave.

“Captain Rogers.” Thor hears him say and turns towards the door.

Steve is standing in the doorway, just to the side to allow the Doctor room to pass. Not too far as to seem weird, but enough to ensure they don’t touch. When he is past, Steve comes in and stands at the opposite side of Loki’s bed. His eyes flit over his body, now stripped of his leathers and dressed in a thin hospital gown. 

Carefully, he grips the edge of the blanket, folded at the end of the bed and covers Loki up to his chest, moving slowly. Thor can tell he is being careful not to accidently touch his brother. And then Steve reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a folded piece of paper, handing it to Thor.

His eyes flick up briefly to Thor’s face and then back down to Loki. 

He doesn’t watch as Thor unfolds the paper. He doesn’t look at Thor’s reaction when he see’s the unmistakable drawing of Loki, on his feet, stumbling through the portal. 

“Thank you,” Thor tells him, knowing how inadequate it sounds.

If he could hug Steve he would have. Its not much, but at least he has some answers and hopefully when Loki wakes up, he will get more. Predictably Steve says nothing as he backs up to the wall and slides down to sit on the floor beside Loki’s bed. 

 

 


	5. Movement, although small

 

  
Chapter 5

 

Movement, although small

 

Thor spends hours by Loki’s bedside. Its exhausting even thought he isn’t doing anything other than talking to him or reading. When he does leave, he often returns to find Steve sitting on the floor next to Loki’s bed, back to the wall. He usually leaves when Thor comes back, but the god isn’t sure why. He also isn’t sure why Steve spends his time there at all.

 

The floor is cold and distantly Steve can feel it seep into his skin. He doesn’t like the cold, he is fairly sure of that, but he stays where he is until Thor comes back. Loki. He knows who Loki is. Has heard Thor talk about him and now _to_ him. 

Hearing Thor talk leaves Steve feeling uncomfortable, even though he doesn’t know why. Maybe it’s the hurt in his voice, Steve isn’t sure. Maybe it reminds him of someone he should be grieving over, but he pushes that thought away as soon as it tries to form. Luckily, that isn’t too hard to do right now.

 

Steve wakes up and sits on the edge of his bed. His thoughts stray and he lets it happen. Right up until Natasha knocks on his door. She doesn't wait for a response, knowing there won't be one and just cracks the door open and pokes her head inside.

“I'm making breakfast. Take a shower and then come down to the kitchen.”

Again, she doesn't wait for a response. Instead she pulls the door closed and hopes that Steve listens this time. He doesn't. And she sighs in frustration as she eats her breakfast.

 

Steve tries to focus as he debates taking his shoes off before laying down. Natasha had seemed upset when she stopped by his room just now. He thinks she was talking about dinner but then she mentioned missing breakfast and he loses track of what she is trying to tell him. 

He thinks he should go down to the kitchen. Maybe take a shower. But looking down at himself he thinks it's possible that he may have already taken one. He can't be sure. He tries. He’s pretty sure he tries? 

He hears Thor ahead and realizes he has gone to Loki’s room instead of the kitchen. He should go back....and.....do..... something. He spends a little time trying to figure it out after Thor leaves and he takes his usual spot on the floor.

 

“Steve!” He jerks awake when Natasha smacks her hand on the wall near him, calling his name. She drops a banana on the ground next to him. “Eat! Then go take a shower!” She demands before turning on her heel and leaving. 

He stares at the banana and remembers that he doesn't like the taste of bananas anymore. So different from how they tasted when he was little.

The memory surprises and pleases him for it's clarity. Enough so, that he picks up the banana, peels it and takes a bite. He frowns at the taste. And then he remembers again, that he doesn't like the taste of bananas.

 

When Natasha walks into the kitchen she is shocked to see Steve standing in front of the open refrigerator. After a few minutes it becomes obvious that Steve has lost focus again. 

“Hey,” she says from several feet away not wanting to startle him. 

He blinks and turns his head towards her, furrowing his brow. 

“Looking for breakfast?” She asks pointing towards the refrigerator. 

She may be wrong, but it almost looked like Steve gave a tiny nod. Not wanting to lose the moment of clarity, she smiles and opens a cupboard and pulls out a couple of pans. 

“Can you grab the eggs and bacon?” She asks over her shoulder and then almost laughs in relief when Steve actually does it.

 

Despite the fact that Steve kept looking towards the hall way that leads to the medical wing, he does manage to eat everything on his plate before wandering away. When he gets to Loki's room, it's empty and he stands staring through the window at the bed.

“Captain,” he hears behind him and he actually turns his head. 

Thor. It's Thor, Loki's brother.

“Loki has been moved to one of the private rooms. Near mine.”

Steve hears Thor, but doesn't react. His mind is trying to work something out. Something about Thor's room. And..... He frowns when it slips away. 

“You can see him if you want,” Thor offers. 

And then it clicks. Thor's room is close to his own. Maybe he nods, maybe not. But the frown does ease as Steve heads down the hallway in the direction of his and Thor's rooms.

 

 


	6. The sleep of the (formerly) dead

 

Chapter 6

 

The sleep of the (formerly) dead

 

Loki still hasn't woken up. Steve thinks it may have been weeks? He’s not sure and he doesn’t ask. He has a vague impression of hearing Thor talking to someone, saying it had been days, so maybe that’s how long.

He doesn't know why he does it, but Steve has stopped leaving the compound to sit against the block wall outside. Instead, he finds himself sitting against the wall in Loki's room more and more often, not leaving even when Thor comes by. 

He wakes up on the hard floor sometimes. This time he woke with a blanket covering him. Its nice, but makes his skin crawl a little when he thinks that someone may have touched him while he was asleep. His thoughts don’t dwell on it and he doesn’t wonder who gave him the blanket.

 

Not much else changes for Steve other than the occasional conversations Thor tries to have with him when he sits by his brothers side. He is aware enough to know that Thor gets frustrated with the way he doesn't make eye contact and the way he isn't quite able to manage anything more than small jerks of his head before his mind drifts off again.

Natasha still insists he shower and dress in clean clothes each day. And he tries. It seems easier to just do it. It doesn’t occur to him to realize that it _is_ easier to do it, when he remembers, which isn’t often. 

She brings him 2 trays of food a day. When they are picked up she can tell if Steve has attempted to eat, most of the time he hasn’t. When he first started sitting in Loki's room, Steve sat against the farthest wall from the bed, but as the days pass he shifts inches closer at a time. 

It doesn't go unnoticed. It also doesn't go unnoticed that Steve sleeps in his own room less and less, choosing, possibly unconsciously, to remain at Loki's side for longer and longer periods. Its hard to know if Steve is aware of what he is doing most of the time.

 

When Thor comes in to sit by Loki’s side today, he finds Steve sitting on the floor, back against the wall, with his leg touching the side of the bed. He has a sketch book resting across his bent knees and is scratching out lines on the paper with a pencil.

Thor drags the sole chair in the room closer to the bed and sits. He stays quiet, not in the mood to try start another one sided conversation with Steve and out of things to tell his still sleeping brother. 

“Thor.”

He jerks awake from where he had dozed off, one elbow on the arm rest, hand propped under his chin. Did he hear….? 

“Loki?” He asks hopefully.

But a closer look reveals that Loki is still asleep. Healing, he corrects himself. His brother is healing. And he will wake up soon. He hopes.

Movement to his side draws his eyes over to Steve who is still sitting on the floor. He is holding the sketch book out, offering it to Thor. On it are a series of drawings. They are arranged in groupings of two or three. Each set shows some different part of Loki’s body. 

One series focuses on his right foot. The first and third are almost identical, the second shows the foot in a different position. Another set details Loki’s left hand. Open and relaxed in the first and clenched into a fist in the second. Thor’s brows knit together and he looks at his brother, noting the way his left hand is loosely curled into a fist. Thor’s heart skips a beat.

On the page, the next set is of Loki’s face, drawn with such detail and care, they could be mistaken for photographs. There are two completed images and a third in progress. In the first, Loki’s face is at rest, much like he looks right now, the second shows his eyebrows drawn together, mouth set in a grim line. The last one is only lines, impressions of the drawing they will become. He looks at Steve, hoping for some clue as to why he made the drawings, but his gaze has settled on Loki again, as if Thor is not sitting beside him itching with curiosity. 

The final set, close ups of his brothers eyes, cause him to suck in an unsteady breath. “Did he wake up?” He asks Steve excitedly, turning the book towards him, pointing at the second image of Loki’s open eyes.

His excitement dies down quickly when he realizes that he is not going to get confirmation from Steve. It’s a nice thought, but it is more likely that The Captain was just showing him his sketches and that they have no significance to Loki. Although Thor thinks he should be pleased with such an obvious show of progress from Steve. 

And then Steve looks back at him, points to the sketch of Loki’s eyes and makes Thor’s heart soar. “Yes.” 

 

 


	7. A warm bed to rest your head

 

Chapter 7

 

A warm bed to rest your head

 

It's been three weeks since Loki fell out of a portal at Steve’s feet and Natasha doesn't know what to do anymore. The Avengers are being called out more and more and for longer and longer time. Steve is still in no shape to leave the compound, much less go on a mission. She had ended up cancelling the appointment she set up to see a therapist because getting Steve out and to the appointment was going to be next to impossible and getting someone to come see him at the compound, actually was impossible. And as for Loki…. He has woken up a few times, briefly, no more than a few minutes at a time, but has not spoken, as far as she knows.

Her efforts to talk to Steve have been frustrating at best. And so she finds herself sitting on the floor next to him on the eve of yet another mission. She spent the last two hours speaking with Thor about both Steve and his brother. They need a plan, contingencies, something. 

It may be wishful thinking, but she is inclined to think it may be true when Thor confirms her observation that Steve seems to drift less, for wont of a better word, when he is near Loki. Neither one of them know why. They can’t explain Steve’s compulsion to be near Loki. 

And so she sits on the floor to make him an offer that hopefully will at least make him more comfortable and possibly help ease the guilt she feels for not being able to help him properly. Or help him at all. And maybe, just maybe it won’t be a complete disaster when she gets back. 

"Steve, I need you to focus on me." 

His eyes drift over to her face and narrow slightly and she can tell he really is trying to focus. But within moments his eyes start to slide back to Loki. 

"Steve," she prompts, getting him to look back at her.

It would be easier if she could touch him, but she learned early on that he reacts poorly to being touched and that hasn’t changed. She hasn't quite figured out why and of course Steve has not been willing or able to help explain it. 

"I want to make a deal with you." 

There is no response, but blue eyes do stay on her. Taking this as a good sign, she pushes ahead. "I want you to shower and dress in clean clothes and eat at least twice every day, on your own." 

She pauses to see if there is any reaction. There isn’t. 

“Thor will come sit with Loki.” Steve eyes dart to Loki. Natasha raises a hand as if to touch him and bring his attention back, but catches herself just in time. 

The movement seems to be enough though and Steve looks back at her. "Thor will come and sit with Loki," she repeats. "while you go get food and while you clean up. And in exchange," she takes a deep breath wondering how it has come down to this. "I'll have a bed and your things moved in here." 

This time there is a reaction, however slight. A widening of those blue eyes. She definitely has his attention now. 

"You have to agree to go get food and eat it, take a shower and put on clean clothes and to sleep in the bed, every day." 

His eyes shift back to Loki and she's afraid she's lost him again, until he actually speaks, "ok." 

She exhales a slow breath, letting her relief show. Its not necessarily comfortable for her, but she makes an effort around Steve to show her emotions more, hoping that he may eventually do the same. 

"Okay. Good. That's good. Thor is right outside so what do you say you start right now? I'll walk you to the kitchen and we'll have the bed brought in and your stuff moved while you eat." 

Steve nods slightly and stands, Natasha rises as well. He moves close to Loki's bedside and raises a hand, resting it lightly on the blanket covering him, over his arm. Despite the fact that he initiated the contact, she can still see the involuntary shiver that runs through his body.

She can't help but wonder if he has done this before and if so, how often. He steps back and allows himself to be led out of the room. Thor stands beside the door and Natasha nods to him to indicate that they are moving forward with the plan. 

In the kitchen, she watches as Steve opens the refrigerator and stares blankly inside. She decides to cut him some slack since he genuinely seems to be trying. 

"Here, why don't you sit and I'll make us both something." 

She gestures to a stool on the side of the kitchen island and to her relief Steve sits obediently. He also eats the soup and sandwich she places in front of him without prompting. But as soon as he swallows the last bite, his eyes drift to the door and she knows she isn't going to get anything else out of him. 

Even so, what she has gotten so far is beyond what she dared hope for. She follows him back to the room where he walks up to the bed, ignoring Thor and looks Loki over. He doesn't touch him this time. 

Steve sits on the bed that has been placed against the wall for him. He looks up at Natasha, then at Thor, before his eyes settle on Loki again.

Thor gets up from the chair he had been sitting on and walks to the door. He and Natasha are about to leave when Steve speaks. "Thank you."

It isn't much, but it's more than enough to them both. 

"You're welcome Steve," Natasha responds as they exit the room and close the door.

 

 


	8. With Eyes Wide Open

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for some suicidal thoughts in this chapter.

 

Chapter 8

 

With Eyes Wide Open

 

This room, Loki doesn’t know it. The bed he is laying on is too soft, the blankets too warm. 

The ceiling is high and even though the lighting is low, he can just make out the soft blue color. Meant to be soothing, he has no doubt. Perhaps it would be, under different circumstances. 

He closes his eyes again and sends his seidr inward. Assessing, searching. There are wounds. Old, healed. His muscles are stiff with disuse, but he knows that is a simple matter to remedy. Even so, he feels a tear slip free when he is right and his body responds.

His neck. He doesn’t want to think about his neck and so he wills himself to go back to sleep. And it works. For a time.

Sometimes when Loki opens his eyes Thor is there. The blonde grins and looks so eager. It hurts when Loki thinks about how he will ultimately let his brother down. Like he always does, despite his best efforts.

He can hear Thor speaking to him. He tries to focus on the words, sometimes. Other times, he tries to push them away. He wants so desperately to believe when Thor says how happy he is that Loki is alive, how they will be fine. That they are brothers. And yet he is terrified of those same things. He doesn’t really know how to be happy, at least not for long. Maybe he just isn’t meant to be. Its not the first time he has thought this.

There are times that Thor isn’t there and it is quiet. And Loki is left alone with his thoughts. His mind keeps trying to go back to those last awful moments. He swears he can hear the sound of the dying, his people. Gasps and wheezes and screaming and begging. He can feel the pressure on his neck, the pain, the fear.

Its too hard to feel, all of this. And he wishes he would have just stayed dead this time. Or any time really. He isn’t picky. 

A soft scratching to his left catches his attention. He keeps his eyes closed, listening to the sound, trying to guess what it could be. He thinks of a leaf, blowing over concrete. The sound of hay being pulled and fed to the horses in the stables back on Asgard. He thinks of boots marching over gravel and ice. 

His mind helpfully supplies the image of six legged creatures scrabbling over rocks on a dead planet, feeding on the flesh of the dead, if he is lucky. If he is not, then on the flesh of the living. Loki has found that he is not often lucky.

The scratching stops and Loki’s hands release from the fists they had been clenched into. It doesn’t last and the scratching starts again. It is maddening and if he is honest, frightening. Easily solved by just turning his head and looking, but he is more afraid of what he may see than what his mind is showing him. 

Shredding paper, a ripped sail, nails scratching against a wall. A rodent’s feet across wood. When he imagines a blade being pulled across a whetstone, his mind fixates on that. 

Then it stops. Again. And this time Loki can hear the sound of someone breathing. The rustle of cloth. He has to resist the urge to clench his fists again, to open his eyes. It’s not Thor. His oaf of a brother would not be able to stay quiet this long. 

So someone else. He hears the sound of a body moving. Two feet softly hitting the ground. And steps. Closer and closer. 

Pressure, light on his arm. He waits for the pain. It always comes next. And please just let it end this time. 

It doesn’t come. Only a voice, soft, cautious. Hopeful? 

“Loki.”

He doesn’t respond, doesn’t move.

The pressure lifts from his arm and the foot steps retreat. Fabric rustles again. And something else. A sound he can’t quite identify.

Then the scratching. Again. And he just can’t take it. So he looks. Muscular build, dark blonde hair, beard. His head is bent down, but even so, Loki knows it is not his brother. No, this is someone else. Someone he has met before, someone he has fought. Someone from his recent past.

And yet, Loki can already tell, this man is not the same. He has changed, irrevocably, and not for the better. He is damaged and broken. Grieving and lost. He is pain and confusion and unrealized dreams. 

He is a man out of time. 

“Soldier.”

A whisper, breathless and weak. 

Steve looks up from the sketch book in his hand, the corner of his mouth turning up. 

 

 


	9. Intertwined, through space and time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've skipped forward a few days here. And look! This chapter isn't quite so angsty.

 

Chapter 9

 

Intertwined, through space and time

 

 _Soldier_

Steve’s mouth turns down as a memory surfaces.

“The soldier.”

Derisive, said with a sneer. Meant to be an insult. Then. And yet... 

Steve remembers. 

Cutting through the haze. Loki standing tall in his Asgardian armor. And Steve himself in his new Captain America suit. Neither one that far beyond their last death. Loki’s first and Steve’s second. 

But there, in Stuttgart, neither man knows this about the other. They don't know that death has intertwined their lives then and will do so again and again.

“The man out of time.” 

Steve never admitted it to anyone, but those few words cut him deeply. Mostly because of their truth. Simple and powerful. He was, is, the man out of time. 

The haze of those first few weeks out of the ice, unable to focus, unable to cope. His pain was too much, too strong, too new, despite the 70 years that had passed him by.

He pushed through it. Because he had nothing else. He pushed even though he didn't know what he was pushing towards. He just knew there was something he was meant to do. There had to be, or else what was the point of coming back. Again.

The familiar haze of loss settled over him after.... This time. The losses were so much harder to take. Maybe because he watched his friends die before his eyes. Maybe because he felt cheated with his inability to stay dead with them. Of all of his failures and there have been so many, that one cuts the deepest.

And this time, what is there to push towards, what does he have to keep him tethered here? He looks over at Loki laying on his bed and…… wonders.

 

Silence, other than the incessant scratching of pencil across paper. He hears it even in his sleep. Loki wonders why he has been stuck in this room to endure this particular torment.

“Soldier, is there a shortage of accommodations in this facility?”

Steve doesn't look up. Doesn't respond. 

“Soldier!”

“Don't call me that.” 

Loki is taken aback my the sharpness of the tone. Unlike any of the other times Steve has spoken, few though they have been. And this is by far the longest sentence Steve has managed to string together.

“Is that not what you are?” He can't explain why he is pushing. Maybe he is just bored. Maybe not. 

Steve’s response is short. “No.” 

That's it. Just no. And that irks Loki more than the scratching. When Steve doesn't elaborate and resumes drawing, Loki goes back to his original question. 

“Why are we sharing a room? Is there no where else for you to sleep? Or have you been assigned to watch over me?”

Loki is pretty sure that isn't the case and in fact over the past few days he has grown fairly certain that it may just be the other way around. And isn't that a disturbing thought.

“Soldier,” he prompts again. 

“Steve,” the blonde corrects, calmly this time.

Loki huffs and waves a hand dismissively. “Does it not bother you to be sharing a room with me?”

Steve looks up and appears thoughtful for a moment. “No.” 

Loki waits for more. And he waits. And he waits. And he stops waiting, choosing instead to go take a shower.

 

“You need to eat.”

Steve jerks his head up from where he had been staring at his lap. Loki gestures to the door and Steve’s eyes follow the movement. “Isn’t that your agreement? Eat, shower, repeat?” 

Steve narrows his eyes and looks at the door. Loki is fairly certain he is not going to go, but after a few minutes he gets up and shuffles out of the room.

“Bring me something on your way back,” Loki calls after him, half as a joke, half out of curiosity. 

Its fifteen minutes later when Steve returns and drops an apple on Loki’s bed. It’s not the color of Asgard’s golden apples. This one is dark red and unnaturally shiny. Still, Loki takes a bite, it would be unspeakably rude not to, and immediately spits it out. 

“That is appalling! How can you eat this?” 

Steve just shrugs. 

And is that a smirk on his face?

 

 


	10. Feed a Starving Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki's starting to get a little restless.

 

Chapter 10

 

Feed a starving soul

 

Steve keeps up his end of his deal with Natasha. Mostly. Sometimes he forgets. But less now. Thor brings in food for Loki and has started to bring in a second tray for Steve, its just easier that way. And most of the time, he eats it. Other times, Thor has to stand over him until he manages to get a few bites down. 

Its not quite the agreement he made with Natasha, but she lets it slide. At least he is eating. Still not quite enough, but he doesn’t look like he has lost any more weight. And that’s something at least. 

Loki has noticed that Steve tends to respond to him more when others are not around. He wonders about it. Even living in close quarters, Steve Rogers is still very much a mystery and Loki is curious by nature.

 

Thor has brought in their dinner and Loki is picking at his, while Steve seems to be ignoring his own tray, in favor of listening to Loki and Thor talk. “Am I allowed to leave this room?”

Thor wasn't expecting the question and doesn't know how to answer it.

“If you wanted to go outside I'm sure it would be fine if I accompanied you.”

“So I can only leave with supervision.”

Thor phrases his answer carefully not wanting to upset his brother. “I think it would be wise if you did not wander around on your own.”

Loki doesn't answer and so Thor asks, “do you want to go outside?”

“No.” 

And that's the end of the conversation. As a matter of fact, it's the end of any conversation Thor wants to have with Loki that day. He gives up in frustration and leaves. 

After he has left, Steve takes his dinner and places it on the small table by the door, untouched.

“Are you not hungry?” Loki asks, gesturing towards the tray.

Steve shrugs a shoulder, but otherwise doesn’t respond. 

Coming to a quick decision Loki gets up and tells Steve, “let's go.” 

Steve’s eye brows furrow together in confusion.

“Come on,” Loki repeats and heads for the door. “Take me to the kitchen.”

Steve leads Loki out and down the hall. The kitchen is empty and Loki immediately starts opening cupboards, pointedly ignoring the bowl of fruit on the counter. 

“What's this? Is it edible?” Loki asks, pulling a box down and showing it to Steve.

The blonde reaches out and takes it from Loki’s hand. He opens it and pulls a few crackers out, popping them in his mouth, before handing the box back.

Loki opens the box and takes a few, he bites into one and decides he rather likes the taste, but quickly finds that they make him thirsty.

Steve must be feeling the same way because he looks through the refrigerator and pulls out two bottles of water. He hands one to Loki and opens his own, taking a large drink.

For some reason this pleases Loki more than it probably should, but he doesn’t want to examine that thought right now. He has something else on his mind. 

Gesturing to the door leading outside, Loki asks, “When was the last time you were outside?” 

Steve looks at Loki then at the door. He shrugs. “I Don't know.”

Picking up the box of crackers and his bottle of water, Loki grins at Steve, “well then…..”

He doesn’t imagine the smile Steve gives in return as the blonde turns for the door.

 

The hand tightens around his neck. Cutting off his voice and then his air. It hurts. Unbearably. And then impossibly, it hurts more. And then.....

Loki's eyes snap open and there it is. The scratching. And he has to remind himself. Leaves on concrete. Hay pulled from a bale. Shredded paper.

Paper... The soldier. No, not the soldier, he corrects himself. Steve. Steve drawing. Steve is here and he is drawing. And when did that become comforting?

The scratching stops, feet touch the floor, steps come closer.

A soft pressure on his arm, light and reassuring. This time there is no blanket, only the light fabric of Loki’s long sleeve t shirt and Loki can feel the warmth of the touch seeping through to his skin.

“Loki?”

 

 


	11. Make your bed and refuse to lie in it

 

Chapter 11

 

Make your bed and refuse to lie in it

 

Its been four days. Four days of planning meetings with the U.N. And Natasha has been back at the compound for a grand total of 5 hours. She has just finished her notes and is going to the kitchen for a long overdue dinner. Her path takes her by Steve and Loki’s room and she can hear Thor speaking. He's talking to Loki. 

Loki appears to be sleeping, but its hard to say. He could also just be ignoring Thor. Watching from the doorway, where she stopped, she decides Loki is most definitely awake.

She can hear the shower running and assumes Steve must be in there. And that’s good. She hasn’t had time to talk to Thor about Steve’s progress. Now seems like a good time as any to get an answer, “Thor, has Steve started to talk to you?”

Thor smiles at her and then his face drops. “Not really, but we can ask Loki when he wakes up,” Thor tells her, gesturing to his brother.

Looking back at Loki she speaks louder, “Loki. Does Steve talk to you?”

With a dramatic sigh, Loki flops an arm over his eyes. 

“Brother? How long have you been awake?” Thor sounds hurt, but Natasha can tell he is trying to hide it. Not very well.

“I don’t know, how long have you been here?”

Thor blinks and then draws himself up so he is sitting taller in his chair. “If you didn’t want me here, you could have just said so.” Correction, hurt and a little angry.

Loki sits up on the bed, finally looking at Thor, when he responds, “you’re right. I could have.”

It takes him a moment, but a smile spreads across Thor’s features. “Ah brother, how I have missed your jests.”

Loki tries to keep his expression blank, but he knows he failed when Natasha raises an eyebrow at him. 

“Thor, can I talk to Loki alone?” she asks.

“Of course. I’ll just take these back to the kitchen.” 

He picks up both Loki and Steve’s food trays, but not before Natasha notes that it looks like Steve’s has barely been touched. 

“I thought he was doing better,” she remarks, lowly, for Loki’s ears only.

When Thor has left, he tells her, “he doesn’t like the bananas, that’s why he never eats them. If you want him to eat more, don’t put them on his tray. Thor does not seem inclined to take my advice. He is under the impression that all food is equally edible and palatable. I would also suggest meats high in protein and fat. He needs both. Grains and starches to go along with it. And no apples.”

“He doesn't like apples?” 

He can’t explain why, but that just sets off his temper. How long has Steve been fighting along side them? How long have they acted as thought they were his friends, without actually getting to know the man that he truly is. 

“They're disgusting, full of chemicals. Do you know anything about him? At all?”

She can feel her own temper flare at the condescending tone and wonders how he is able to get under her skin so quickly. She’s tired and stressed and has a conference call soon, but still. “And I suppose you do?”

“Since I seem to be the one spending the most time with him, I _would_ know. You have apparently entrusted me with his care.” 

There is venom and a hint of accusation in his voice and it sets Natasha’s nerves on edge.

“Its not like I have a lot of options Loki.” 

She says his name like an insult and he grins at her, baring his teeth. 

“You foist him upon me like some discarded pet with the expectation that he will somehow get better. You play at being his friend when he is little more than a soldier to you.”

"What was I supposed to do? You’re the only one that he responds to!”

Loki hasn’t failed to notice that, but he keeps that thought to himself.

“When he is deemed ready to fight for you again, and I no longer have a use, what will happen to me? Will I be turned out from your gracious hospitality? Or am I a prisoner here? Does anyone here actually think about me beyond my role of caring for Steve?” 

“I do.” The voice comes from behind them, low, soft, but firm.

Loki turns to look at Steve, standing there with damp hair, wearing sweat pants and a t shirt. “To answer your earlier question Romanov, yes he does talk to me.” He can’t quite keep the smugness out of his voice. 

 

 


	12. Backs Against the Wall

 

Chapter 12

 

Backs against the wall

 

They sit against the wall outside, watching squirrels chase each other around the trees. Its relaxing and pointless and Loki can appreciate that. He shifts, so he can pick up his water bottle and his bare arm inadvertently brushes against Steve’s.

He can feel the way Steve immediately tenses and has to fight down the urge to apologize. Its not as though Steve has never touched him, but never without a barrier, a blanket, a shirt sleeve.

Given the setting and lack of other people around, should this go bad, Loki thinks this may be a good time to try something that has been on his mind for awhile. 

“Would it be okay……can I touch you?” Loki asks and Steve shudders before he even agrees. 

But still, he does. "Just....” He swallows hard, unable to look up at Loki. “Just please..." 

"Okay." And although Loki doesn’t know what happened to cause Steve to react the way he does, he does understand trauma.

He lifts his hand slowly, making sure Steve can see, giving him every chance to stop him and brushes the backs of his fingers over Steve's bare arm, deliberate, but gentle, causing them both to shiver. The touch is brief, but intimate in a way that neither of them wants to examine.

 

They're outside. As they often are after every one else has gone to bed. It's nice. Quiet. The ground is soft beneath them, the wall solid at their backs. They sit close, knees and arms touching, sharing warmth, comfort, solidarity. 

“Thor told us.”

Loki turns to look at Steve. He still talks so rarely. And almost never without being prompted.

“He told us what Thanos did to you. How you died.” 

_Oh_. Loki thinks to himself knowing he is being handed a large piece of the puzzle that is Steve Rogers.

Nothing else is said as they watch a stray cat hunt in the dark.

It is some ten minutes later that Steve speaks again. “He killed me too.”

 _Ah_. Loki doesn't say anything. He doesn't need to, just lets that knowledge sink in and fill in some of the gaps. He leans a little closer, presses his arm against Steve's just a little harder.

 

Trapped. Loki feels trapped. He lays on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Again. He has memorized every line, every mark. He’s bored, restless. He has been confined to this room for over a week. Ever since being caught outside with Steve by Clint. 

They weren’t doing anything. Not really. Just exploring the woods outside the compound.

Loki has spent his time at the compound, purposefully avoiding Clint Barton. Of all the Avengers, Loki has harmed him the most. He knows this. He considered seeking Clint out and apologizing, but in the face of the loss of the archers family it seemed wholly inadequate and obscenely inconsequential. 

He is a coward, knowing that his actions ultimately led Thanos to Earth and subsequently brought on Clint’s suffering. And judging by the look of rage on Clint’s face when he dropped out of the deer blind twenty yards away, Loki knows that Clint’s justified hatred of him has only intensified.

And what can he do in the face of that except accept his guilt. 

Loki knew it wasn’t going to be good when he and Steve walked back to the compound in silence. Of course having Clint trailing behind them, glaring daggers at Loki’s back, only made the prospect of talking even more unappealing than it already was. 

When Natasha came and found them back in their shared room, she had asked Steve to leave them alone. Which he did, reluctantly. 

As soon as the door is closed, Natasha rounds on Loki, “what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“I would think it was fairly clear what we were doing.” He’s irritated. 

The longer he had sat with Steve waiting for the inevitable reprimand, the angrier he got. He doesn’t like feeling as though he has done something wrong. He knows it wasn’t wrong, in fact, he felt like being outside, away from the compound, was helping both of them.

And Steve, he had sat on his bed, staring at his hands, looking completely lost. Loki was fine until Steve said, “I’m sorry.” 

As far as Loki is concerned, the fact that Steve felt like he needed to apologize for doing something harmless, that brought a smile to his face, however small, was complete and utter shit. 

But he doesn’t tell Natasha that. He knows it will do no good. He doesn’t tell her that he and Steve have been leaving the compound several times a week. For a month. He doesn’t tell her that Steve has been talking, after his admission about his death. Something loosening within him as his body moved through the trees. 

Being out there felt good, cathartic. Normal. And he doesn’t tell her the way his heart is pounding at the thought of having to stop their sessions. 

 

 


	13. Unreasonable demands, made reasonably

 

Chapter 13

 

Unreasonable demands, made reasonably

 

Maybe she’s being unreasonable and she knows she’s being selfish, but Natasha feels like Steve is even further away from being back on the team than he was before Loki arrived. He carried the weight of the world on his broad shoulders and he did it with grace and poise. And Natasha has learned that she is no Steve Rogers as she is being crushed under that same weight. 

Maybe it wouldn’t be so awful if it wasn’t Loki he was fixated on. Maybe if it was someone else, any one else. Maybe if she had the time to dedicate to helping him get better and hadn’t been so desperate that she allowed this to happen. Maybe if the world weren’t falling apart around her and maybe if her own little world consisted of anything other than destroyed lives and the dead.

Maybe if she had options that weren’t all terrible.

Its selfish and unfair and she knows it, but she needs Steve back. Sooner rather than later.

 

“I think its time Steve moves back into his own room.”

Loki looks at her at blinks. “Why?” Loki knows why though. It’s been three weeks since he and Steve had been caught outside. And in that three weeks, Steve has grown quiet again, not silent, but not as open as he had been, outside of the compound walls.

She tries to make it easier, tries not to start a fight with Loki. “I think he’s reached a point where he isn’t making anymore progress here.”

“You mean here, with me.” Its not really a question. 

“I just don’t think its in his best interest to continue staying here.” She has to fight to keep from gritting her teeth. 

“You mean here, with _me_ ,” he repeats, not even bothering to hide his irritation.

Natasha takes a calming breath before continuing. “He’s too attached to you Loki.”

“What do you expect, you dropped him on me, you push us together and expect nothing to come of it beyond your Captain being ready to fight again?”

Her heart thuds hard with the thought of what he may mean. “What are you saying?

Loki doesn’t answer.

“What’s been going on Loki?” Her tone is sharp, insistent, demanding.

“Nothing is going on,” he hisses. Part of him wishes there had been something going on between him and Steve just so he can throw it in her face. Part of him wonders if that is the only reason. “If you want him moved back into his own room, then I suggest you speak to him about it.” 

He gestures over her shoulder to the door where Steve is now standing with two bottles of water and a box of crackers, tucked under his arm. 

Loki has to give Natasha credit, by the time she turns around to face the blonde, she has the scowl completely gone from her features. 

Steve raises an eyebrow at her and then glances over to Loki.

“Loki, why don’t you give us a moment alone?” She frames it like a polite request.

He’s torn though. Does he go, leaving Steve alone with her? Or does he stay and try to? What? What can he possibly do? He can’t stop her from moving Steve back into his own room. 

“He can stay,” Steve tells them both as he strides into the room and sets down everything he is holding on the side table next to his bed. 

He turns and perches himself on his bed. Loki can see the challenge in Steve’s posture and wonders how long Steve had been listening at the door. 

“All right,” Natasha responds with a frown. 

Loki watches as she relaxes her stance, trying to seem non confrontational. 

“I was just telling Loki that it would be in your best interest to move back into your own room.” Her eyes shift to the god, daring him to contradict her. 

“No.”

Loki has to give it to her, she is good at hiding her surprise at Steve’s blunt response, but not good enough that he doesn’t notice it.

“Steve-“

“No.”

She starts to argue again, but stops as she watches Steve pull his sketchbook and a pencil from the drawer in his side table and start to draw, effectively ending the conversation, short as it was. 

Loki knows this issue isn’t over as Natasha turns on her heel and leaves, casting one last glare at him on her way out. He drops down on to his own bed, flopping down to his back. He listens to the sound of Steve’s pencil scratching across the page and smiles to himself allowing the by now, welcome sound, to relax some of his tension away.

“Do you want me to leave?”

Steve hasn’t looked up from his book, just keeps drawing.

Loki swallows, _No. Yes_. “I want what is best for you.”

“Then I’m staying.” 

The scratching pauses and Loki looks over at Steve. The blonde is looking back, a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. 

_Do you want me to leave?_

_No._

 

 


	14. Places we could have been

 

Chapter 14

 

Places we could have been

 

They're outside sitting with their backs against the compound wall again. They have been going out again. Steve's idea. Not that Loki argued.

They talk. Loki tells stories from his youth. Steve listens intently and shares pieces of his own life growing up in Brooklyn. The god is aware of the way Steve edits his stories, of the way he carefully avoids talking about his friends. His friend. His only real friend. The one he lost. Again. 

Loki tells Steve about his sister and the betrayal he felt from yet another dark family secret. He tells him of the destruction of his home, the only one he knew. 

“I could have stayed on Sakaar. Instead of going back to Asgard.” 

“Would that have been better?” 

Loki shrugs, a habit he has picked up from Steve. “My people would still be dead.” 

Steve can't argue with that. “But your sister might not be. I can't imagine how that would be better.” 

Picking up his water bottle, Loki picks at the label, pulling it away from the plastic. “Maybe not, but Thanos would not have gotten the tesseract and that would have been better for everyone. Including you.” 

That stings and Steve doesn't even try to hide it. “You don't know that he wouldn't have the tesseract. If Asgard had not been destroyed he would have just gone there to get it. The result would have been the same.” 

“Except I would be on Sakaar instead of here!” 

And that stings even more. 

“Then why don't you go back? What's keeping you here!” Steve's getting worked up and can hear it in his own voice. 

“I can’t go back. I don't have the means at my disposal.”

Steve takes a calming breath. Or at least he tries to. Another one, he’s about to lose another…. Friend? Are he and Loki friends? Or maybe something else? Steve isn’t sure and refuses to look closer at that since Loki doesn’t seem to want to be there. With him. And that hurts. More than Steve is willing to admit. 

“I'm sure if we told Tony you want to get the hell out of here so bad he'll find a way.” The anger and venom in Steve's voice startles Loki, while at the same time, part of his mind registers that its probably a good thing that Steve is able to feel something so strongly after all this time.

The blonde stands and starts to walk away. “If you regret being here so much, then go back.”

Loki scrambles after Steve, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder to stop him, ”There are a great many things in my life that I regret. My path to this point is but one of them. But being here, no matter my path, is _not_ one of them.” 

Steve stops, but keeps his back to Loki. His shoulders are tense, drawn up closer to his ears, but they slowly slide back down, 

“Its not that I want to be back there. I just didn't want to die. Not like that. And I could not imagine the possibility of what would come after, including….this.” He clarifies. 

And that is something Steve understands. Of all his deaths, this one had been the worst. And _this_ , he still doesn’t know what _this_ is. He is pulled from his thoughts when Loki continues, his tone lighter, an attempt to break through some of the tension surrounding them.

“And besides, I would not have been able to stay around the Grand Master much longer anyway.” 

Steve turns around and raises his eye brows. An invitation for Loki to continue. Gesturing towards the trees, Loki starts to walk. Steve easily steps in line beside him.

“The Grand Master took an interest in me. He was rather insistent in his attention.” 

Steve's mouth opens and closes. And Loki laughs, soft, easy. “Does that shock you Steve?” 

“Uh... I mean...” 

“Hmmmm?” Loki hums in question. A tease, but laced with curiosity. 

“I can't say that I like the idea.” 

“Well then we agree on that.” And just to push a little more, “I’m not sure how much longer I would have been able to put him off.” 

Steve scowls beside him and Loki finds he quite likes that reaction.

 

Two hours later they stop in the kitchen for dinner, before heading back to their room. Loki has a tray with their food, while Steve carries two bottles of water. He opens the door so they can go in and stops in his tracks, causing Loki to run into his back with the tray. 

“Steve?”

Stepping in and to the side to allow Loki in, Steve doesn’t respond. He doesn’t need to. Loki can see Clint Barton sitting on his bed, casually looking through Loki’s bed side table drawer. 

He can also see that Steve’s own bed and table are conspicuously missing from the room. 

 

 


	15. The Gentlest of Betrayals

  
Chapter 15

 

The Gentlest of Betrayals

 

Clint can see it. The danger in his eyes. Not Loki’s, Steve’s. And it startles him for a moment. 

“What is this?” Steve asks, his voice low, vibrating with anger.

“You’re being moved back into your own room.” Clint says it as though it is obvious and helpful, but Steve only hears the betrayal that it is. 

“I told Natasha that I was staying here.”

“Oh… well, you’ll want to talk to her about that.” Clint’s tone is sincere, friendly, fake. “She should still be in the control room.” 

It’s a lie. Loki can tell. But when Steve looks at him for direction, the god nods toward the door, “go ahead.”

Steve purses his lips and looks from Loki to Clint and back again. 

“It’s fine, I’m sure Barton was just leaving.” He hates lying to Steve. “Weren’t you Clint?”

The archer bristles at the use of his first name, hating the way Loki uses it like a weapon. But he pastes a smile on his face, “yeah, just on my way out actually.”

He doesn’t move though. Just sits, until Steve frowns, sets down the water bottles and walks out the door. 

Loki watches him leave and as soon as Steve is out of earshot, he rounds on Barton, “now that you’ve sent him off, say your piece and get out.”

Clint smiles again. This one is real, sharp and dangerous. “Steve’s not moving back in here.”

“Oh, I think you’ll find he is quite adamant about staying,” Loki counters.

“I’m not worried about that.”

The way he says it, has Loki’s mind racing trying to figure out Barton’s angle. 

“I know you’ve been manipulating him.”

Loki opens his mouth to protest, but Barton cuts him off. “Its what you do. Prey on people, manipulate them into caring about you. And then you use them until there’s nothing left. You’re a monster and no matter how much Thor says you’ve changed, no matter how long you pretend to be anything else, you will always be a monster.”

Loki wants to argue, wants to deny Clint’s words, but he can’t. What can he say in the face of the truth. 

Clint can see the look of defeat in Loki’s eyes and presses his advantage. “Steve is going back into his own room and you’re going to stay far away from him.”

“This compound isn’t that big, I’m bound to run into him at some point.”

There has to be a way out of this, a way to stop this from happening.

“You’ll figure something out, stay in your room for all I care, but you and I both know you won’t be able to stay out of trouble for long. And then, once Thor figures out that you haven’t changed one bit, he’ll get rid of you himself.”

Loki can feel his stomach tighten, bile rising into his throat. 

“And if I refuse?” He is pretty sure he already knows. Clint seems to have this all planned out. If he weren’t in the process of tearing Loki apart, the god would have been impressed. 

Another smile creeps across Clint’s features, sharp and cruel and full of too many teeth.

“Imagine the whole world finding out that you’re back on Earth. Imagine them finding out that you started all of this. That half of humanity is gone, peoples wives, their children, gone, all because of you. In the blink of an eye. Blowing away like dust while they watched. Helpless to do anything.

“Think of all the parents who lost their children. All the kids left to fend for themselves. Billions of people Loki, all because of you. I would hate to be you, when the world finds out that you’re here. There won’t be a place for you to hide, not even Thor will be able to protect you.”

And then the final blow. The one that Clint knows will push Loki into either admitting he has been manipulating Steve or, in the impossible event that he actually does care, get him to leave Steve alone. “And what do you think will happen to Steve when the world finds out what’s been going on between you two?”

That’s it. That does it and Clint can see the light go out of Loki’s eyes when he realizes he has lost. Clint gets off the bed and walks to the door, bumping his shoulder painfully into Loki’s as he passes. 

As he is about to close the door, Loki speaks, “tell me something Barton. Does it not bother you that in your hatred for me, you would harm Steve? Would you really expose him like that while he is already hurt?”

Clint stops, but keeps his back to Loki. “I’m not the one who hurt Steve. You are.” 

 

 


	16. Push me away as I pull you close

 

Chapter 16

 

Push me away as I pull you close

 

Steve walks in and finds their, no, Loki’s room, empty. It looks strange without his own bed and other stuff in it. He doesn’t like it. He had been unable to find Natasha, but he did find Thor, who told him that Natasha had left for a meeting with the UN the night before. 

He knows Clint lied to him and he knows Loki had wanted him to leave so he could speak with Clint in private, he just needs to figure out why.

Steve backs up to the wall and slides down to the floor to wait until Loki comes back. It’s a habit, a need, to have something solid at his back.

 

Loki had been outside, wandering the woods alone ever since Clint left. Now when he opens the door to his room, he finds the one person he doesn’t want to see sitting in a familiar spot on the floor. 

“Where have you been?” Steve asks.

“Out.” What else can he say. 

Steve frowns, but accepts the answer. “Natasha left last night. Clint lied.”

Loki only hums noncommittally. He doesn’t want to have this conversation and the longer Steve stays, the harder it will be.

“What did he tell you after I left?” 

Of course Steve would ask. He is going to make this as painful as possible, even if he doesn’t know that’s what he is doing. 

“Nothing, just reminded me of a couple of things I need to take care of.” He shrugs his shoulders, again, so much like Steve. 

Steve is silent for a moment as he stares at his hands. He doesn’t look up when he asks, “why are you lying to me?”

With a sigh, Loki sits on the edge of his bed, “I’m not.” Before Steve can respond, he continues, “I’ve been thinking. I think it may be a good idea for you to move back into your own room.” _I want what’s best for you_.

Steve is stunned, confused and stunned. He wonders if his mind has drifted again, but he doesn’t think so. Not this time, not in some time really. 

“If this is about earlier, when we talked about you staying on Sakaar…..”

“No! No, its not about that.” Loki turns to face Steve, but averts his eyes. The blonde doesn’t miss it. 

“Then what?” He tries to keep his voice gentle despite his frustration.

“You’ve come a long way and I think its time for you to go back to being on your own.” 

Steve is silent. Loki can’t stand it so he keeps talking to fill the awkwardness between them. “You’ll want to start working with Natasha again and I’ve got….. things…… to… do…” he trails off knowing how stupid he sounds.

“Why are you doing this?” His voice is raw, hurt.

“I want what is best for you.” Loki feels like he is trying to convince both of them. 

Its clearly not working on Steve. “And you think pushing me away is the best thing?”

“I think that if you were to ask the others, they would agree. Natasha, Clint…..They both think it would be beneficial for us to spend less time together.”

“And you agree with them?”

Loki opens his mouth to respond, but nothing comes out. _I want what is best for you_.

Steve doesn’t need an answer. “Everyone is so concerned about how I’m doing, when I am going to get better. But not because they care about me. They only care about what I can do for them.”

Steve gets up from the floor and starts to pace the room. “They expect me to fix their problems, fight their fights, handle what ever crisis comes up. You know that the minute they think I’m ready, they’re going to hand it all back to me so I can step in and take over. They can trot out Captain America and make everyone feel better, make everyone feel safer, like I’m some kind of mascot.”

He stops directly in front of Loki, who looks up into his eyes, “not one of them gives a damn about me, what I’ve lost. Every one of them has an ulterior motive for wanting me to get better. Every single one. Except you.”

And then he stops as a terrible thought occurs to him, “or do you have a motive too?”

“I just want what is best for you.” A whisper, soft, pained.

Steve kneels down in front of Loki, looking up at him, “and I believe you. But I also know you’re still lying to me.”

He stands and walks out the door, back to his own room. With his bed and his side table and all of his stuff and he looks around at how empty it is, a mirror to how empty he feels. He pulls the blanket off his bed, wraps it around his shoulders and sits on the floor, with his back against the wall.

 

 


	17. The sufferance of the dead

 

Chapter 17

 

The sufferance of the dead

 

Loki jerks awake with a gasp. Again. It happened again. He hates this. His dreams plagued by nightmares of the dead. Asgard, Barton’s family, so many more. 

Over 3 billion people on earth alone plus an additional 4 million in the resulting accidents, fires, contaminations. Another million from wide spread looting and violence that ensued after the snap. He knows. He made the mistake of looking it up.

The U.N. is trying to get a handle on it, they have made steps towards unifying governments, re establishing control. But the work is hard. They need more help. They need all the help they can get. 

As his breathing slows, he can feel a gentle pressure on his arm, familiar and comforting. Steve. Again. And Loki wants to turn into his warmth and wrap it around himself like a blanket. He wants to forget. 

Instead, he does what he has every other time he has woken from a nightmare with Steve at this side and he turns his back, “go back to your room Steve.”

And just like every other time, Steve pulls his hand back and retreats to sit against the wall until Loki falls back asleep.

 

He can feel Barton watching him, just waiting for the moment to expose him. And so he tries harder to push Steve away. He avoids his room during the day and only comes back at night long enough to get a few hours sleep before heading out again. 

It works for a while. A week at most. Right up until he started coming back and finding Steve asleep on the floor of his room, his back pressed against the wall, Loki’s own blanket drawn over his body. 

And so he changes tactics. He hates himself even more for the hurt look in Steve’s eyes every time he forces himself to say something cruel. He digs at old wounds. But steers clear of others. There are some lines he is not willing to cross, even in his desperation.

 

Barton finds Loki in an unused office, sitting on the floor, back against the wall. Hiding, avoiding. 

“He’s still hanging around you.”

Loki doesn’t answer. Just rests his head on his knees.

 

“Why are you here?” Irritation again. This time tinged with frustration. He lets it bleed into his voice as he often does these days. Each and every time hurts Loki just as much as it does Steve. Loki tries, he really does, but Steve keeps coming back. 

This time the blonde is sitting in the chair, next to the bed, drawing. “Because its better than being alone.” 

“For who?” 

Steve shrugs. “Both of us.” 

“Well I'm not alone!” Loki Huff's. And Steve just raises an eyebrow at him “I'm not! I have Thor.” 

Steve looks around the room and then back at Loki. 

“I know he's not here now. He's doesn’t come around when you’re here.” Its true. Thor doesn’t come around, but not because of Steve. He has stopped coming by because Loki has turned his frustration on his brother as well as Steve and Thor is wise enough to back off. 

“Do you really want me to leave?” 

_I want what is best for you._ Loki doesn't answer. He just lays down and rolls so his back is facing Steve and that's answer enough.

 

Another nightmare. This time he is chained down, forced to watch as Steve is paraded out in front of a crowd. They are screaming at him, throwing things. A woman rushes forward and stabs Steve in the arm. And then a boy, barely a teen, strikes him across the back with a bat. 

He is forced to watch as Steve is beaten. And he doesn’t fight back. It isn’t until he is laying in a bloody heap on the ground that the mob backs away. Clint steps out of the crowd and crouches down in front of Steve, not to offer comfort, but to attach a set of heavy cuffs around his wrists. And Loki can feel it, he can feel the pressure on broken wrists…… he jerks awake in time to see Steve pull his hand back. 

_I want what is best for you._

“What?” Loki snaps, drawing all his pain inward for one final push. 

He can see that Steve is thinking something over. And he can also tell that now Steve is angry with him, but the blonde visibly tries to calm himself before speaking.

“I don’t know why you’re doing this.”

“No. Of course you wouldn’t. I’ve only been telling you everyday for a month to leave me alone.” God that hurts to say, but not as much as the look on Steve’s face.

“Would it ki-,” Steve stops himself before he says it. 

But it's too late. 

Loki laughs, but there is no humor in it. His laugh is low and dangerous and Steve can feel the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. 

“Would it kill me......?” He leads. 

Steve keeps his mouth shut. 

“Would it kill me what, Steve?” The words are said slow, quiet and full of menace. 

When Steve still doesn't answer Loki snarls, “can't talk again?” And that’s a low blow. Loki knows it and hates himself just a little bit more.

Steve's anger flares, but he pushes it down. He knows he shouldn't have been so careless with his words. He can tell by Loki's tone that it would be worse to not answer at this point and resigns himself to the fight he knows is coming. But maybe this time he’ll finally get some answers.

“Would it kill you to talk to me about this? This isn’t right, what you’re doing.” 

That laugh again. This time tinged with a slightly hysterical edge. “Right. You want me to talk to you about doing what is right?” 

He waits with an eyebrow raised. Fully expecting Steve to answer. 

“Yes. I would, so we can talk about what’s going on with you.” 

Loki gets off the bed and stalks over to stand in front of Steve. He picks Steve's hand up off his lap and pulls it towards his neck. Steve can tell what Loki is about to do and he pulls back, frantically trying to free his hand. 

“The last time I tried to do the right thing someone wrapped their fingers around my throat and killed me.” 

He knows its not real, but at that moment he can feel it happening again, now, standing in this room, looking down at Steve. He just doesn’t know who the hand belongs to this time. Most likely its his own.

Loki releases Steve, inches before his hand comes in contact with the gods neck. And Steve jerks back, clutching his hand to his chest.

 

 


	18. Embrace it until you are no longer

 

Chapter 18

 

Embrace it until you are no longer

 

Steve jumps to his feet and backs towards the door. His back hits it and he reaches behind himself to open it, keeping his eyes on Loki the entire time. The god is facing away from him, shoulders hunched in. And Steve is glad, he is sure he wouldn’t be able to stand looking at his face just then.

He can feel his eyes start to burn and stumbles backwards into the hallway. For a moment he’s disorientated and has to try and focus to remember the way back to his room. Eventually, he gets there, but he can’t remember how.

And then all he can feel is the hard floor beneath him and the wall at his back.

 

He drifts. And that’s okay. There used to be something important, something that gave him purpose, something that made him happy. There used to be friends, people he loved. There used to be a bond forged in death. But no more. And so he drifts and sits against the wall just outside the compound and occasionally makes his way back to his room to sleep on the floor.

 

In the haze of his mind, something breaks through. A voice, sharp, female, angry.

“What the hell were you thinking? He’s worse off now than he was before.”

The answer is little more than a murmur.

“He was supposed to spend less time with Loki, learn to be independent again. And now we’ve got to worry about Loki too. What the hell did you say to him?”

Another murmur, harsher, defensive.

“If you had just kept your mouth shut, god Clint, I told you to let me handle it.”

Steve stands in the hallway, pulling in air through the vise squeezing his chest and the hand squeezing his heart. 

His room, he needs to get back to his room. He needs to get back to his room and think. He needs to think.

 

Clint has just closed the door to the training room when he is grabbed from behind and shoved face first into the wall. He tenses, expecting to feel his nose hit and break against the solid surface. But even though his head does impact against the wall, his face is turned at the last second so it's his cheek taking the brunt of the blow. 

His arm is twisted painfully behind his back and he grunts in response. Despite all this, he smiles and laughs, knowing he has won. 

“What's so funny Barton?” 

And then he freezes. That's not the voice he expected. 

This isn't Loki coming to exact revenge. No, this is, "Steve?" 

Steve gives a quick shake to his arm, causing his entire body to jerk. 

"What did you say to him?" 

"I don't-" 

Steve wrenches his arm up another inch, cutting him off. Clint's squeezes his eyes shut and pants against the pressure on his shoulder. 

"I didn't say anything." 

For a second the pressure on his arm increases until Clint is sure his shoulder is going to be dislocated, but then it eases up as Steve grabs the back of his shirt and pulls him away from the wall before flinging him to the floor. He lands sprawled on the floor and looks up into a face contorted with rage. And he feels fear. Real fear. 

"This is your last chance. What did you say to him?" 

Clint reaches up and rubs across his sore shoulder. "It doesn't matter what I said. He was always going to betray you. That's what he does." 

"What? So it was for my own good? This is your way of helping me?" Steve bites out, words shaking with anger. "None of you seemed very interested in helping me before."

"We didn't have time to help you!" Clint shouts. "You're not the only one who lost people. We all did. But we didn't curl in on ourselves and give up. The rest of us kept fighting. We're still fighting. Not because we want to, but because we have to. The world needs us and not all of us have the option to just turn our backs to it." 

For a long moment Steve doesn't say anything. Slowly, he raises a hand and rubs across his eyes. "So is this about getting me away from Loki or is it about needing Captain America?" 

"He's manipulating you Cap." 

"That's not what I asked." 

Clint's sits up straighter and stares at him defiantly. He can see the moment Steve changes. 

Steve always knew it was going to come down to this. No matter how hard he tried to get away from it, no matter how much he needed to get away from it, he is always drawn back in. Back in to war and fighting and death. Back into pushing away anything he wants for himself. Back into losing himself in favor of every other person in the world. He hates it and not for the first time, wishes he didn’t continue to fail at death. 

"Fine. But understand this. Unless we're working, you stay away from me and Loki is off limits. You so much as look at him and I will end you." 

Clint just stares at him in shock. 

"Are we clear?" 

"Yeah. We're clear Steve." 

"Captain." 

Clint just looks at him quizzically. 

"Captain Rogers," Steve emphasizes, making sure Clint understands the line he is drawing before he walks out. 

 

 


	19. It feels just like dying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning here for talk about suicide and death

 

 

Chapter 19

 

It feels just like dying

 

He doesn't go looking for Loki. Instead he heads out beyond the compound wall. He finds his usual spot and slides down to sit with his back pressed up against the wall. He doesn’t know how long he sits there. Minutes? hours? 

His mind drifts and he let's it. But even when drifting his thoughts seem to flow in one direction. He scrubs a hand across his face feeling the scratchy texture of his beard. Climbing to his feet he heads back to the compound, back to his room. 

And when he is done there, then he goes looking for Loki. He finds him in the hallway just outside the kitchen. It's late and the compound is quiet. Loki is tired and heart sore and his defenses are down. He should turn around and head right back to his room, avoid Steve, keep his word to Barton. 

But when he see’s Steve, "Your beard!" 

Steve reaches a hand up and touches his cheeks. "Yeah. Feels a little weird after all this time. Does it look weird?" 

"No. Not at all." He reaches up his own hand as if to touch Steve, but pulls back, remembering himself in time. Remembering that he has no right to touch him, not after the last time they were together. 

"I need to go. Goodnight Steve." He tries to push past Steve but is held firm by a solid grip on his upper arm. 

"You can forget about whatever Barton told you." 

Loki closes his eyes and drops his head. He doesn’t ask how Steve found out or even how much he knows. "If only that were true." 

Steve squeezes Loki's arm until he is sure he has his attention, "it is true." 

And there is something in Steve's voice, something in the look in his eye. Something Loki thought long gone, buried under the weight of the dead. Loki wants so very badly to believe Steve. And if he tries, he finds its not that very hard at all.

 

They don’t talk about it, but they don’t bother bringing Steve’s bed back in. They find Loki's is more than big enough.

 

“Sometimes I wonder….” Steve starts and then stops.

Loki already knows what Steve was going to say. He can feel it and has often wondered the same thing about himself. “Why you cant stay dead?” He responds.

Steve doesn't say anything for a while and Loki assumes that the conversation is over. 

Until Steve speaks up. “When I was little, I was sick, all the time. There was this one time that....” he pauses, gathering his thoughts. “Ma worked really hard, but she couldn't afford the medicine. I remember... Her crying and there was a priest. And then...that's it. 

“She never said anything about it. But Buc-," he stops, cutting off what ever he had been about to say. And thats okay, becasuse Loki knows. He knows Steve isn't ready to talk about Bucky Barnes.

"...somebody," Steve continues, "told me that he overheard my Ma talking. She said I died. I was dead for a good half hour and then all of a sudden I started breathing again. The doctor's couldn't explain it and Ma never talked about it after that.

“I was too young to be disappointed, that time. But I was mad. If I had just stayed dead, it would have been better for her. I was so sick all the time. It was such a burden. And she deserved better.”

He gives a small shrug of his shoulder. Loki waits. He knows there is more. He knows all about Steve being frozen in the ice. 

“When I went into the ice, I felt it. I felt the cold and the water filling my lungs. It was... Something I wouldn't wish on anyone. I was scared, but also relieved. I just wanted it to be over. But I came back. Again. And I don’t why that keeps happening.”

“Did you want to die? When you went in the ice?”

“Did you? When you let go?” There is no malice in Steve words. Its just a question. An honest question that deserves an honest answer. 

Loki has to think. Really think. He has never allowed himself to think of what he did on the rainbow bridge as a suicide attempt. He never wanted to consider the implications of it. 

Steve is patient. He waits. He can see Loki’s lip quiver and his eyes start to gloss over before he speaks.

“I didn’t want to die. Not consciously. I just didn’t want to live. And there isn’t really anything in between.” He pulls in a deep breath, searching for a better way to explain himself before deciding that there really isn’t any. “Does that make any sense?”

Loki thinks that yes, Steve probably knows exactly what he means. He can’t decide if that gives him comfort, or if just makes him sad. 

Steve looks at Loki with such earnestness, such openness that the god reaches out a hand for Steve to take. His hand is warm, solid, comforting.

As is the answer.

“Yeah, it does.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to clarify, Steve and Loki are only sharing a bed.
> 
> Also lets assume that Steve and Loki had a nice long talk about what Clint did.


	20. Pull Me Under Where Your Secrets Are Kept

 

Chapter 20

 

Pull Me Under Where Your Secrets Are Kept

 

“Do they know?” Loki asks, breaking the comfortable silence they have been sitting in.

Steve doesn’t need to ask who _they_ are. “Do they know what?”

“That you died. This time. Do they know what Tha… what he did to you?”

“No. They don’t.”

“Why haven’t you told them?” Loki is genuinely curious. Would it not have been easier for Steve if he had?

“Why would I? They all lost so many people, when it happened.” 

He doesn’t need to elaborate on what he means. “It seemed… selfish, I guess…. Self indulgent to say anything about what happened to me.”

Loki laughs. Soft and easy. “Only you would think it selfish to tell someone that you died.”

“But I came back,” Steve protests weekly. 

“Did you?” Loki asks. 

And at first Steve isn’t sure if Loki is joking, but he’s not. And Steve has to really think about it. _Did he_? 

He decides that no, he probably didn’t or at least a large part of him didn’t. He reaches out for the comfort of Loki’s hand. 

“I don’t think either of us did.”

Loki hums in agreement, tightening his grip just a little.

 

They're sitting on the bed as they often are, talking softly. Steve's eyes are focused on Loki's without drifting away the way they still sometimes do when he is trying to focus and work himself up to something. 

“I’m going with Natasha to meet with the U.N. on Monday.” He says it quickly as if getting the words out faster will somehow make them more palatable. 

Loki isn’t surprised that Steve is going. He has been meeting with the team for a couple of weeks, although this will be the first time Steve goes out in public with any of them.

“And how do you feel about that?” Loki knows exactly how he personally feels about it. Steve comes back from every meeting tense and it takes time for Loki to ease him back out of Captain America mode. But he does it and will continue to do so, for as long as Steve needs him to.

Steve shrugs. “What am I supposed to feel? They don’t want me to feel anything. They just want to pull me out, show me off. I’ll wave, say all the right things, make everyone feel better and then come home.” 

_Home? Is this home? When did this become home?_ Steve wonders to himself. He looks at Loki sitting across from him and decides that yes, _this_ is home.

 

Its time. He has to go meet Natasha at the jet. He expected to feel anxious this first time, but instead he just feels tired. He’s already thinking about coming back. 

There is a spot in the trees outside the compound that Loki said he wants to show him when he returns. They plan to pack a lunch and spend the day out there. And when did this happen? Why is _this_ the thing that makes him happy? Why is it, that the one thing he looks forward to, is spending time with Loki?

He knows why. He knows exactly why.

Loki has walked him to the door of their room, his hand on the small of Steve’s back. Steve can feel the warmth from the touch and he finds that he wants more. 

Turning, he faces Loki and lets his eyes wander over the contours of his face as he works up the nerve to lean forward and softly press his lips to the gods. 

It only lasts a second and then it is over, as he pulls back. 

The second kiss is longer if no less gentle. Steve's hand drifts up to cup the side of Loki's face and the god pulls back and shakes his head, taking Steve's hand and pulling it down, holding it away from his body. 

Steve is angry with himself for ruining the moment. He knew better. He knows his hand was too close to Loki’s neck and can only hope that he hasn't ruined any hope for the future. Because he wants this. More than anything else, he wants this.

He just wants something that is his. Something that belongs to him and Loki. Something precious that no one else gets to touch. 

And so he is thrilled when Loki gives his hand a squeeze and leans in again. This time is better, Steve is more sure, as is Loki. 

After just a few moments they separate. For now though, it is enough. More than enough. This is theirs.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this is what you came here for, because i will always find a way to push these 2 boys together.


	21. Break me down, build us back up

 

Chapter 21

 

Break me down, build us back up

 

They’re sitting side by side, backs against the simple wooden headboard. Steve has only been back from his latest mission for a few hours. He’s been quiet. The quiet isn’t unusual after a mission, but the intensity of the kiss he greeted Loki with was. 

Loki expects Steve to come home stressed, but there was a desperation and sadness in the way Steve held on to him this time, that lets him know there is something more.

Loki waits. He has come to learn that this is not the silence of Steve drifting. It has a different tone, even a different texture. He knows this is Steve gathering his thoughts.

“We’ve been asked to go to Wakanda,” Steve finally tells him. 

Loki is able to stop himself from reacting outwardly, but just barely. 

“I don’t think I can do it. I can’t go back there.” His voice is raw with emotion, his eyes just a little too shiny.

And what does he say to that? He knows Steve will go. He will push down everything he feels and will go to the place where he was killed and he will stand with his team. And they won’t see him struggle, they won’t see his pain. And if he loses a little more of himself and it takes Loki longer to bring Steve back from the edge, when he comes home, no one will be the wiser.

Loki is pulled from his thoughts by a soft voice. “I want you to go with me.”

He doesn’t even need to think it over. Steve wants him there. More importantly, Steve needs him to be there. And so he will be.

But for now, “can you tell me. What happened?” 

He has never asked and Steve has never volunteered information on how he died. Loki knows it happened in a fight with Thanos and that the time stone was used shortly after, bringing Steve back, but little else. 

Silence, again. And that’s okay. Loki can give Steve as much time as he needs. 

And then, “here,” Steve whispers, as his fingers brush lightly near his ear. “He hit me here.”

Loki shifts so that he can better see the area Steve indicates. He let's his eyes travel over the dark blonde hair and trace along the outer edge of a delicate ear. 

Steve shivers under the scrutiny, but doesn't pull back when Loki reaches up and touches a lock of his hair, tucking it back behind his ear. He doesn't flinch when Loki runs a slender fingertip along the same ear. 

He shivers again, but not from fear, when Loki's hand shifts, fingers gliding through his hair. Loki can feel the tension in Steve’s body and so he goes no further, just gently runs his fingers through Steve’s hair and across the shell of his ear, until he relaxes again.

Loki looks in Steve’s eyes, gauging his reaction and when Steve gives a slight nod and looks down at his lap, Loki shifts his hand back. Steve can feel Loki splay his fingers out, cool against his scalp. There is a light pressure as Loki leans forward, finger tips moving in a gentle pattern. Soothing him with a touch that from anyone else would be unthinkable and unbearable. 

Steve takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, releasing the last of the tension from his body. And then he can feel Loki's breath against his cheek and then his ear as he whispers, "thank you for telling me." 

Steve is a little breathless when Loki pulls back and there is a sense of loss when those long fingers leave his skin. 

He doesn't need to ask how Thanos killed Loki. He already knows that the Titan wrapped his hand around Loki's neck and squeezed. He knows Thanos crushed his wind pipe and broke his neck. 

Steve does not reach a hand out to brush his fingers along where he imagines dark bruises must have been. Instead, he lifts up to his knees and leans in with his hands braced on the bed. He angles his head and gently touches his lips to the soft skin just to the side of Loki's throat. 

He can feel Loki swallow and tentatively parts his lips, allowing his tongue to make contact with flesh. He lifts his lips and moves an inch to the right. And then again and again and again. Soft, careful, gentle. 

Steve shifts again as he pulls back, but only just. 

"Thank you," he whispers across Loki's skin causing the god to shiver. 

Steve feels it and starts to pull back, fearing he has overstepped, but he is stopped by cool fingers threading back into the hair behind his ear and warm lips on his own. He is stopped by an overwhelming need to take something so terrible and make it something beautiful.

 

 

 


	22. Resurrections of the Past

 

Chapter 22

 

Resurrections of the Past

 

Loki has his arms wrapped around Steve, murmuring in his ear, “Call me as soon as you land and I will come immediately.”

“I wish you could just fly over with us.”

Loki doesn’t respond. They’ve already been over this. The extra tension caused by Loki being on the plane with Natasha and Clint would be counter productive for Steve and so they compromised. Loki will teleport to Wakanda as soon as Steve arrives and will stay nearby until the team’s appointed meeting time with the Queen. 

No one else knows. And as far and Loki is concerned, no one needs to know. He is going for Steve and no one else. 

“I’ll be just a phone call away and can be by your side in seconds.”

 

Wakanda 

Loki was as good as his word. As soon as Steve called him from a secluded garden on the palace grounds, Loki appeared at his side and pulled him into his arms. There wasn’t much time, only an hour or so, before Steve’s meeting. 

“You call me as soon as you are done,” Loki gently reminds him.

“I will.”

“Have they given you accommodations for the night? I can wait for you there.”

Steve likes the idea of being able to go directly back to his room after the meeting and have Loki waiting there for him, but, “no. Not yet.”

“No matter. Just call me.” He places a chaste kiss on Steve’s lips and then pulls back reluctantly, “everything is going to be fine.”

 

Loki is standing in a small copse of trees, there is low brush, rocks, nothing that would make anyone think this is the spot where Captain America was killed. 

And that’s okay, because Loki cares very little for Captain America. He does however care deeply for the man behind the Captain. This is the place where Steve Rogers died and that is important enough for Loki to conjure an illusion pulled from the cellular memory of every living thing around him.

Around him, ghosts of the past move, fighting for their lives, fighting for the lives of billions. He watches and it tears at his soul, knowing that he should have done more to stop this. 

And then he sees him. Steve. Its an illusion, but Loki wants to scream when Steve charges forward to take on Thanos. His brave, wonderful, foolish Steve. He watches Steve hold the Titan off with his bare hands and Loki feels a sense of pride and awe at the bravery he shows in the face of certain death. 

And then it happens. Loki watches as Thanos pulls his fist back and strikes Steve. He watches the blonde crumple to the ground and stop moving. In the chaos, no one notices. No one is there with Steve when he dies on the battle field. 

Thanos moves off and Loki rushes to Steve’s side. He is tempted to reach out and touch, but he knows that will break the illusion. He can’t decide if he wants that or not. He is startled when his cell phone rings, but that gives him the excuse to break it, as he lifts the device out of his pocket. Loki barely has the phone to his ear when he hears Thor’s voice. His blood runs cold, knowing he must be calling about Steve. 

“Loki.”

“Yes?” His voice is shaky with fear and he doesn’t care if Thor can hear it.

“Steve needs you. How quickly can you get to Wakanda?”

Loki takes a breath and hones in on the spell he weaved into Steve’s body before he left the compound with his team.

“I’m already here,” he says as he appears only feet away from Steve. 

He immediately crouches down beside Steve who is huddled in the corner, with his back against the wall. When he reaches out a hand and sweeps a lock of hair behind Steve’s ear, the blonde doesn’t react. 

“What happened?” he asks sharply as he looks around the destroyed room. His eyes settle on a small piece of plastic and metal on the ground a few feet away. “What did you do to him?” He demands as he picks up the dart.

“It’s a sedative.” Loki frowns and looks Steve over again. He’s awake, but not alert. 

“He was freaking out. Tearing the place up.” Natasha. Loki hadn’t failed to notice her standing off to the side with Barton. He just chose to ignore them. 

Now though, he glares at them both.

“Look around Loki. 3 of the palace guards had to be taken to the hospital.”

And that makes Loki wonder, so he rounds on his brother, “how long did you wait until you called me?”

“I apologize brother.” And Loki has to admit, Thor does look sorry. “I was elsewhere. I called you as soon as I knew.”

He turns back to Natasha, “so you let Steve hurt himself rather than call me to help?”

Natasha wants to argue. But can she really?

“Is he going to be alright?” She asks instead.

“It is too soon to say how long until he can be Captain America for you.” Loki’s voice is full of venom and he takes pleasure in the way her mouth tightens and her eyes narrow. 

Loki gathers Steve up into his arms and turns to Thor. “I’m taking him home.”

If anyone argues, he doesn’t hear it and doesn’t care as he teleports them away.

 

Steve feels warm and comfortable, safe. He shifts his body around trying to gather more of that warmth around himself. He opens his eyes and smiles when he see’s Loki pressed up against him in his sleep. 

His smile falters as something tugs at the back of his mind. This isn’t right. He shouldn’t be here. Not here in bed with Loki. He’s supposed to be….. somewhere…. His heart rate starts to increase as he breath quickens......his body tenses, ready to lash out….. and then….

“Steve.” Loki, soft, soothing. “I’m here. Its okay. I’m here.”

“Loki?” Steve gasps, as his lungs constrict painfully. 

“Shhh. Its okay. I’m here. Shhhh.” Loki sits up a little on the bed and pulls Steve into his body, wrapping his arms protectively around him. “Breathe. Just breathe.”

He does. Steve listens as Loki talks him through slowing his breathing down. He allows Loki’s strength to pull him back from the edge of panic. He holds on as though he never intends to let go. And even when he finally drops back into sleep, he still holds on.

 

Loki is leaning against the headboard with Steve laying beside him, head cradled his lap. The rest of the team has been back for 2 days, but other than Thor bringing food, no one has stopped by. And that is just fine with Loki.

“It was stupid.”

The fingers combing through Steve’s hair falter for a second. 

“We were speaking with the Queen’s daughter, Shuri. I was fine. It wasn’t easy, being back there, but I was doing ok. And I knew you were there. So I thought I would be ok. But then…..” Steve stops. “It was stupid. They had some of Bucky’s things. And they wanted me to have them….. and I just….. I just…” 

“Shhhh….its okay.”

“Its not okay!” Steve’s voice has taken on a frantic edge, sharp and pitched higher than normal. “I lost him. Again. And this time….. this time…” he stops as he words are overcome by his tears, until he is able to choke out, “why couldn’t I just go with him?” 

And what does Loki say? There is nothing that he can tell Steve that is going to ease his pain. So he says the only thing he can think of. The only thing that he knows is absolutely true. “You weren’t meant to.”

Loki holds Steve while he cries, grieving for his closest friend. 

“Don't leave me like that. Promise me that you'll stay. Don’t ever leave,” Steve pleads.

That hurts. More than hurts, it threatens to break Loki. “I wish I could.” 

“Then lie to me.”

Loki wishes it would be enough to tell Steve that he has no intention of ever leaving his side. That he will stay as long as Steve will have him. But he also knows the universe has a way of interfering with what he loves. And right now Steve needs more, he needs certainty and so he lies. 

“I'll never leave.”

 

 


	23. Live, Don't Just Breathe

 

  
Chapter 23

 

Live, Don't Just Breathe

 

Loki appears just inside the doorway of Steve’s hotel room. He doesn’t see the blonde immediately, but can hear the shower running. He walks up to the closed door and calls out, “Steve, I’m here!”

Behind the door, he can hear the water turn off before the response. “I’ll be right out.”

Loki glances around the simple room and then sits on the bed with his back against the headboard. He leaves his boots on just because he knows it irritates Steve and Loki can’t help but be amused by that. Picking up a local events magazine from the bedside table he begins to flip through it.

And sure enough, “get your boots off the bed!” Steve tells him as he walks out of the bathroom.

There is no anger in his words, just a teasing tone for this little game that they play. Its kind of nice and Steve enjoys the sense of almost normalcy they have been able to establish between them. 

Since Wakanda, Steve goes on missions and if he has to stay away for more than one night, Loki joins him during his down time. It works well, helping to keep Steve focused and level headed on missions. And no one, not even Clint, can argue with that. 

But for right now, Loki looks up from his magazine with a smirk on his face only to be confronted by a very shirtless, dripping wet Steve Rogers. He has one hand holding a towel up at his hips and the other he uses to push Loki’s feet off the bed, giving himself room to sit down and lean in for a kiss. 

“So what do you want to do tonight?” Steve asks, all innocence and sweetness. 

Letting his eyes flick briefly over Steve’s body, Loki knows exactly what he wants to do, but no. There has been an unspoken agreement between them not to take what ever this is between them any further beyond kissing and holding each other, both of them too fragile to handle anything more. 

And that’s okay. Its fine really. At times like this, frustrating as hell, but fine. At least that’s what Loki tells himself. Steve must have picked up on some of that, because his cheeks pink slightly, but he isn’t going to lie to himself and deny what he wants either.

It doesn’t stop him from leaning in for another kiss though. 

He rests his forehead against Loki’s and breathes. “I know,” Steve whispers against Loki’s lips. “I know. I want….. And I think…. When we get home….. not here…”

 

Loki is standing inside one of the seldom used meeting rooms on the third floor of the compound. One entire wall is made up of windows that look out towards the landing pad for the Avengers jet. He watches as the jet lands and Natasha and Clint walk down the ramp. 

Steve is the last to exit the jet, as usual. This time though, Thor is by his side and that makes Loki smile. They pause at the base of the ramp and Steve reaches up and claps a hand on Thor’s shoulder before looking up to the windows where Loki waits for him after every mission. Loki turns away and heads for the stairs to meet Steve. 

They come together down the hall from Tony and Bruce’s lab. There is no welcome home kiss, no enveloping hug. But there is a sense of electric anticipation in the air as they turn and walk side by side towards their room. 

As they get closer, they can hear voices coming from inside the lab and Steve slows instinctually. He comes to a stop just out of sight with Loki pressed up close against his back. Solid and reassuring. 

He can hear Tony and Bruce and a third, somewhat familiar voice. It takes a moment to place it, but then it comes to him. Scott Lang. 

They stand outside the door and listen to Scott, Tony and Bruce talking about something called the quantum realm. They listen until Steve can no longer follow the increasingly complex conversation. 

“Why don’t you go on ahead and take a shower,” Loki suggests. “I’ll stop by the kitchen and bring dinner back to the room.”

“Ok,” Steve replies as he leans forward to place a quick kiss on Loki’s lips. 

As soon as Steve turns the corner at the end of the hallway, Loki steels himself and walks into the lab. This is a conversation he needs to be a part of.

 

When Loki walks into his and Steve’s room, he finds the blonde sitting on the bed, with a book in his hand.

He looks up and smiles brightly. The smile transfers into confusion when he notices Loki’s empty hands, “I thought you were bringing dinner?”

Loki shuts the door behind himself and walks over to sit on the bed next to Steve. 

“We need to talk about something.” 

_This is it. He’s going to leave_. Steve tries not to let his breath speed up, tries not to react outwardly. _If Loki needs to leave…_.. Steve won’t stop him. _He can survive. He can live through this. This won’t kill him. Not this. Not again_.

“Steve, breathe.”

He hadn’t even realized he was holding his breath. He swallows hard and accepts Loki’s offered hand, gripping it between both of his own. 

“Do you remember when I told you there was nothing between life and death?”

Steve thinks back on a conversation weeks ago and nods warily. 

“That’s not exactly true. There is a place where the souls of the non dead reside.”

“The non dead?” Steve asks.

“Those that are trapped between.” Loki closes his eyes, readying himself for when Steve pulls away from him. “I believe that is where your Bucky and the others are. And you get there through the quantum realm.” 

Steve can feel his stomach drop and is suddenly glad Loki didn’t bring food. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Loki reaches up with his free hand and brushes Steve’s hair away from his face. “I’ve only ever heard rumors of such a thing, but I never thought it to be actually possible and I didn’t want to give you false hope.”

“So why tell me now?” There is a touch of irritation and maybe even anger creeping into Steve’s voice.

“Because now I know it is real.”

He can feel Steve tense beside him, “can you help me get there?”

“With Stark, Banner and Lang’s help, I think its possible.” 

“Okay.” Steve takes a deep breath and pulls Loki just a little bit closer. “Okay.”

His mind is racing, trying to plan. But not right now. He doesn’t have enough information. It’s too soon, but it can happen! They can do this, he can feel it in his bones. Steve can’t keep the smile off his face, even though he knows there is a tough road ahead of them. 

“I want you with me, when we go to the quantum realm. We're going to do this Loki. It's going to work.”

“I can help you get there, but your team is not going to welcome me.”

“They don't have to. They want Captain America to lead then they better be prepared to follow.”

Loki shifts his body just a little closer. “They don't deserve you.” 

“They don't get to have me. Only you do.”

And that’s…… that’s something. Its everything. 

Steve leans in and pulls Loki into a kiss, soft and gentle. And then not so soft and not so gentle.

 

When Steve throws his head back gasping out his name, Loki is in awe of how beautiful Steve is. Strong and resilient and fragile all at once. When Steve pushes him over the edge for the second time, Loki promises to stay by his side no matter what the future holds. And he means it, fates help him, he means it.

Steve feels it, feels the truth in it and allows himself to be swept up in it. Allows himself to fully feel. All of it. To be alive. And it is breath taking. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... I left this open for the possibilty of a sequel.  
> But this fic I only wanted to focus on Steve and Loki's relationship. And they are finally happy!

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked it, I'd love to hear about it.
> 
> Also, I can almost guarantee that the rating is going to increase.


End file.
